took me too long...

...to decide I don't want to die wking by answering phone calls when i know I am capable of doing much more. This was only emphasized when i went to my brother Eli's graduation a few yrs back. I thought "if he can do it with 5 kids, I can do it". My cousins and I kept saying "this could've been us". Well after that I couldn't sit still at the job. So, when they asked for volunteers to take a leave with insurance, I took it. It's now been almost 18mos. and I will be finished with my prerequisites in 2 weeks Yay! I then will be on a 2 week waiting list but that wks well for me since Veni is still home with me and it's hard leaving him everyday. I only am glad i didnt wait another min. to do all the schooling I have done. I have learned so much about our bodies in 18 mos. and can understand some things that would've been foreign to me 18 mos ago. Anatomy and physiology are my favorite so far. I was walking to my car from class one day thinking, how could I not have been interested in this yrs ago. Then, I remember my little girls faces and think "no, this was all came together at the time it was supposed to come together."

I also hav regretted not having a fourth child but then think "I am grateful for what I do have." My husband's been the best supporter thru school and all the work I have missed to make us money and the wk at home. I do still try to cook most of the week so we can save money that way and he has been good to me and ate my cooking ...good and bad.

One of the biggest things I have realized is that 1) if you don't understand something, that doesnt mean you will never understand it. for instance, in the 5th grade I was to do a science project in a group. one of the girls didn't do her part so our group got a C. At that point I had never had a C in my life so it was devastating. Since that time I considered myself, uninterested in science and I didnt even try to understand it. It turned me off.

Then I take a cell biology class at our college and studied my butt off. i got an A! I kept sayin to myself "all this time I let the past dictate what I believed about myself". I blamed myself for another person's lack of work resulting in a C. Why did I not remember that if I were given that project to do by myself, I could've done it right and got a good grade. Well now I will concentrate on what I do have power over and that is all my future grades. I love the stuff I am learning even though it is tough. I keep projecting myself into the future of taking care of patients and can't wait. I plan on taking CNA classes while I am in my 2yr waiting list. I really want to leave this life knowing I have done something to help and not just stand by and let it happen to me.