Trials

Last Sunday our family was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. a feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me.  even though I had the tools I didn't have the Spirit.  everything I have done wrong came up in my mind telling me "you shouldn't participate. you aren't good enough." I prayed so much and stayed up til about 3am preparing the night before. I prayed that even if wasn't feeling adequate that the congregation would be taught by the Spirit. my kids talks were all prepared. even Kale sii who is always more than nervous was able to give her talk with her dad's help in writing it.  Steven read his as if it was a regular thing for us to get up every Sunday. Zerin did great. she wrote her own talk and I imagined her as a missionary.  She's going to be great.  mom even participated. when it was my turn I still felt the same but I delivered my message with a story that kept going through my mind of the prophet Elisha in 2 Kings where the Syrians are after him and the Israelites. the Syrians find out where they are and come up on their camp. early in the morning Elisha's servant goes out and sees all the army surrounding him. he feels no hope knowing their army is small. he asks the prophet Elisha "what should we do?" and the prophet calmly says " Fear not, for there are more with us than they that be with them".  the prophet then prays for his servant to be able to see. when the servant opens his eyes, he sees that they are surrounded by hosts and chariots of fire who are on their side.  my husband then got up and talked about how sometimes we depend on our own knowledge when God has given up prophets to help us.  several told us they enjoyed the program. I am glad the Spirit was there to help them to take in the messages that we shared.
  I got a burst of trying to do better and have went to library to learn more from talks that John Bytheway does for the youth.  I have prayed more in a few days than I have in a year. then we had a big argument. I felt as if this was it. I imagined and started looking for an apt.  I told my husband that he could keep the house and that I wasn't worthy to be a good mom or member of the church.  after about an hour of talking and him opening up to me we finally settled things so that the Spirit could be back in our home and in our hearts.  the whole day I was fed so many negative thoughts and there he was at work studying his lessons for church. I am glad Heavenly Father keeps blessing our family and has helped us to stay together. my husband and my kids are my heart.
Satan continues to try to aim at our families so that we cannot progress. I think he knows how powerful our faith is and how much we can help in building Heavenly Father's kingdom. My prayers have pulled me through with Heavenly Father by my side.

Kaeevan

my cousin/sister Kaeevan passed away.  so sad for my sisters and for Ellen.  she was one of the bravest people I've known with cancer. she wouldn't take pain meds. she just endured it til the end.  she was always the kind that would love to see you mad. she would just laugh harder and louder.  she loved kids. at her funeral her dad talked of how she was always an honest person whether you were angry with her or not. 

we used to sleep over at their house. I remember always feeling intimidated by uncle Mo (her dad). then as she was sick I would go visit and one day I walked in to see him massaging her neck.  I almost cried. this is the side that parents need to show their kids more, including myself.  I will miss you Kaeevan. 

Conflicting thoughts...found this from 2009

my kids and sleep overs

August 16, 2009 

my nieces livia and maya are over once or twice a month and my girlz love it. it’s been a fun summer being able to be home with my girlz and paying attn to them and not to my homewk. went back to schl last year and it all sounded great but i been listening to dr. laura and realizing that I should’ve done the schl thing all b4 kids. that seems obvious but i thought it’d be ok since the girls are now both in schl. i have come to realize though that when they need me for homewk i am usually pushing them to my husband so i can get my homewk done as well. I know, boooo on me. i told my husband a couple of times that it’s a mistake and i’d rather wk my sucky job for life and be able to spend time with my kids and pay more attn to them b4 they dont wanna hang around us anymore. he says i’ve put a lot into schl and he’s supported me lots so i should just stick in there. so i am trying to look at us in the long run and see that becoming a nurse will help us a lot financially. i also think now would be better than waiting for them to be teens b4 i rtn to schl. I can’t believe how much i can love this kids that i would give up everything to spend time with them. my youngest is only 2 yrs old. he doesnt talk a lot but his smile drives away my anger and sadness (when i am in those neg. moods). I want to have another but my last dr. told me it’d be dangerous for me or my future kids since i have had 3 c sections already. and then there’s my hubby. no other like him! he cooks, cleans, loves my family, great dad and is patient with me, oh and of course wks his butt off for us :) He’s my hottie :) 

I'm a runner!!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

I’m a Runner!!

All the time I would joke “yes, on my morning jog.”  others would laugh with me…or I guess that would be an “At me.”  Today, I decided that I am going to be a runner. I have been going for endurance on the bike and elliptical and can do an hr on each or both on some days. it’s time for a new challenge.  I was reading “Katie runs for cookies” http://www.runsforcookies.com/ a blog about weightloss and running. she was heavy too and has lost over 100 lbs from running.  I might be heavy but I will still train. I want to be able to run my own 5K, not just on elipitcal (where I am starting) but on a treadmill and then eventually to the streets. Today I did 67min. 4miles total!! but listening to a 5K app that I got, I did total of 50min.  my next run is Monday. can wait!  right now a mile takes me a average of 17min.  my goal is to run 3x a week.  I had lost 20lbs for this year, but gained 2 lbs now a 19lb loss. Next Sat noon I will weigh in again.

My kids and I had visited my cousin Kaeevan about a month ago. She has cancer and since then her Dr has told her that they cannot do anything else for her now.  We went to visit her again tonight.  with all she goes through, she is still a fighter…smiling when she’s in pain.  She told me wants to get her endowments before she leaves this life. tmrw she has a temple class.  I want my kids to know how special she and her family are to me, how Lily and I would sleep over there as kids to play with Kaeevan and Ellen.   how we would laugh a lot and teu.  Sitting next to her tonight, I was speechless. all i could do was to try and hold her hand.  she mentioned how she loves a song that Tina, little Leta and Tina's brothers sing called "when someone cares" and how she wants it done at her funeral. i joked with her that I could sing it but I am asking Tina to see if she can teach it to my kids.

grandma's prayers answered

guess who finally got their recommend?! Yay! everytime i planned on going in, my husband would make me so angry. Then sunday night my cousin texted asking me to come tmrw night cuz she gets her endowments. I told myself "k dont worry bout what Keai does, just go into the stake". I also am sked to wk tmrw night. Anyhow i text the stake secretary who does sked for stake and he said that they wont be on tuesday (today). I said a prayer and signed up for auto for my shift. I checkd stAff mangmt to find i got auto! So i tell my husband i am going into the stake n sit there cuz someone is going to show up n i will get my recommend. Get to stake n Deehna pouha asks what i am doing. I tell her that i am there to get my recommend but stake pres isnt supposed to be there. She laughed n looked at me like i was crazy. Lol. So sitting there and other tongan ladies ask if i want to come to their fine ofa activity. I tell them thanks but i am there to see the stake (already been sitting there for about an hour...and my kids say "lets go home no one is coming") then the lady tells me that she just saw the staje open their office! Run over there, had to wait almost 3 hrs but I got it! I could tell my husband was so happy. I am so excited. Its been way too long
1030pm my husband was at the gym and I am calling my sister/best friend Liz Leakehe.  she probably thought that something was wrong that I was calling her so late.  i was only too excited that i finally was holding in my hand my recommend and all the experiences that I went through to get to this point were too exciting for me just to text her.  Liz has been there through a lot of my thick and thins. things i cant tell my sisters/mom cuz i dont want them to judge my husband.  every once in a while we go get Pedi's together or go eat.  every wife really needs a friend to destress with.  going to sleep is always hard for me but tonight especially with the excitement of knowing that we get to go to the temple tmrw.
day of going to temple….
i started off by having to drop by gma's house to give her money and take some cakes to help with a putu.  i was telling her that i got my recommend and she laughs (smiling soooo happy). then she tells me with more happiness that her son (uncle Biu) recvd his recommend as well as a calling.  came home to tell Keai about my visit and then the thought passed "what if gma goes soon cuz now her prayers are answered?" all she talks about when i see her is if we have food stored in case any kind of disaster comes up and that we need to go to the temple.
last night Keai tells me that i would have to go to temple without him cuz he was on call. i said "no. you find someone to cover your shift and we will go. someone will help you"  before noon this morning he texted that Heavenly Father answered that prayer too. so off to the temple we went.  when we arrived we saw Sai, Funaki, Polo'i, aunty Lela, and Muka. still was in disbelieft that i finally made my way back to the Lord's House.  Keai sat next to me when a brother came up and asked us to be the couple that leads the session. my heart was pounding and i was looking at Keai as if to say "please tell him No" but i know better than that and ended up in our reserved seats.  Some days i don't know if my husband knows how much i love him. watching him come in with his handsome face and white clothes was priceless.  we later went into another room and met up with Cass and Kris.  so happy for her and yet was so nervous myself.   lol. came home with a feeling that not much can give my heart….PEACE.  

little sister's bridal shower

had so much fun and it was worth all the work.  Kris asked me to do a couple of games for Cass's shower.  i procrastinated prob because i was nervous but was glad they asked me to help out.  food was great (sandwiches and soups). was able to spend time with family when i normally am so unsociable.  Lousia also helped with the games. we both did a writing game and then isa did a game where they had someone write words with their booty (tahitian moves) then i had a balloon game i got off of FB.  they had to be in 2 lines and leave over while the person from behind had to try and pop a balloon that the girl in front was wearing. was kind of nervous cuz my mom showed up and so did one of our uncles   lol.   it was fun though. then we got to go see Cass's house afterwards…beautiful.  so thankful i was able to share in this special time for her. Cass, Andrea, Sepa and Sariah were our little roomates and also our sisters as we were staying with them when we 1st got married.  nowadays because of my girls' ages we spend more time with Loni and Lexx. luv their family so much.

changes with losing weight

I put on my hubby's shorts cuz i had to run and throw in a load of laundry…they fit!!! i have a a watch from Lita for over 2  yrs but never wore it cuz it didn't fit…it fits!!! i swear i saw my collar bone in my reflection at gym today. i like looking in the gym mirror more and more.
last night i was working downstairs. came upstairs to find my hubby in front of youtube watching these boyish looking body models. i was furious. i went back downstairs cussing.  he kept coming to lean on me. i kept telling him to go away.  once i was done (1230 am) i went to bed and he was still awake.  he said something was wrong but i wasnt sure what was next. for the 1st time he said that he was worried that i was going to leave. usually after our arguments he will just go to sleep but tonight he said he wasnt sure why he was feeling so worried when all he wanted was for me to be happier and to be able to lose weight (i have lost 22lbs so far this year by clean eating).  i couldnt believe what i was hearing. he said he could tell i am feeling more confident.  i did feel like that today but didnt know that it made that much of a difference in the way i carry myself.  this guy doesnt know how much i love him and that sort of thing doesnt cross my mind like it did when i was more immature.
we went to gym tonight and i couldnt believe how much energy i had. i did an hour on elliptical (4miles) and still had more energy. we took keai home cuz he has to wk in the morning and i went back and did more cardio til they closed at midnight. clean eating has helped me so much.  i have been able to eat at least 4 cucumbers in past week as well as 3 zucchinis, 3 tomatoes, and 3 heads of lettuce.  i am impressing myself and building my belief and love for myself in a way that i could never have imagined.
i have been trying to get my temple recommend and have a testimony that when you are trying to do the Lord's work, that obstacles will come your way.  the past 2 weeks something always comes up. my cousin is getting married this week and texted me to come on the night that she gets her endowments and here i am dying to go just because she asked me but i still havent been able to meet w/the stake to sign my recommend.  i am going to stake tmrw night out of faith that Heavenly Father will make things happen so that i can go with her.
the kids started school today. Kale had her 1st day of jr high and was nervous as i have ever seen her but she made it through her day and she says it isnt too bad. glad she had a good experience.  zerin's a 6th grader (so oldest grade in her school). veni keeps asking me who will be with him when his sisters leave elementary.  i try not to show my worried side cuz i know they feel it when i do.  time really does fly by. already been married for 14yrs and now have a little young woman.  a lot to be grateful for.