Stake conference

Dad n the kids did a Tongan number.

i havent posted in 3yrs! feeling so down on myself. have fought for over 20yrs with one of my husbands weaknesses. makes me feel like the ugliest person ever. its probably not right but i feel like when i try to do better, he does not. satan is always working on us. he goes about his days as if it's normal. i sleep endlessly hoping not to wake up. i dont want my kids to be damaged as i was as a teen when my parents split up. however, this is the hardest for me as i have to fight the thoughts "this will never end. i am too tired to do this again" i tho0ught everything was ok between us as usual but it was not. i had uneasy feelings as i would wake and he was not next to me. the other day he took my son at 730am and my daughter to an appt at 11am but he couldnt cover for what happened between those hrs. in the eve i tried to look at his phone when he pulled it away. then i knew my feelings were not myth. i have nightmares sometimes that he is hiding things. my nightmare has come to life. i am suppose to say a talk tmrw but i already texted bishop to let him know that hakeai will say the talk instead of me. i havent feel this lonely ever. i know my kids can feel it. last night the girls went to their cousins sleepover at a hotel and i felt so ta'elata. God has way more faith in me than i do.

fat man burning

been wanting to get back to clean eating since a few yrs back when I had boundless amounts of energy and positive thinking as well as confidence
so here will start journal of my first 30 days to better eating using fat burning man's technique of natural foods and healthy fats.

Day1
couldn't believe I did so well. ate spinach and balsamic vinegar for the first time and liked it.  we had rice in the evening though and I could resist but had one and drank a lot of water.  husband ate a big ice cream cone in the evening and I had a big cup of water!
Mindset: positive 4
Sleep: hard to fall asleep as usual. no melatonin

Day 2
wow energy and refreshed in the morning. was able to do a lot of cleaning and feeling positive.

food:  had musubisssss and prob 4 total. I know I suck but I knew I couldn't do 100pcnt. will get back up and move on.  on positive note had about 4 cups spinach or more today in smoothing and salad. ate tons of wasabi peas that I will no longer buy bcuz of additives on the outside of sugar and salt.

Sleep: in charge tomorrow and couldn't fall asleep.  1/2 ambien and I was still awake.  ugh.  once asleep though, I was out.  didn't have energy in the morning because I also couldn't fight my cereal craving last night.  at least it was with coconut milk.
Mindset:   1    knew I was eating bad and gave in.  had chocolate and veggie chips.  prob should've had more water to curb sweet tooth.

Day3
Paying for cereal last night.  woke up no energy, but I think I needed the break for a day to get back on the horse.  feel's like today will be much better.  at least I resisted ice cream last night for the 2nd night in a row.
Mindset: 4
FOOD:  I can do better today.  started with veggie smoothie. my husbands such a good teammate drinking eat too even though it wasn't as good as I remember it was yesterday.
will have another tub of spinach today to make up for all the additives yesterday.  will buy lettuce today and that actually excites me   lol. 
I cant believe I like feta cheese. never liked it before but I put it in food processor to get all my veggies in.  slowly using less dressing and going into no dressing.
only day 3 but I am so happy I decided to change and believe in myself.  happy that my kids are off today so hopefully can do something fun with them after work.  also paid $2300 on our car load. only $2900 left.   we'll be paid off by Feb at the latest! yay!!

we're going on a plane in March hopefully to korea again so I want to feel antabulous!!
as well as reunion in Cali in summer so a lot to look fwd to. 

always setting new goals. this weeks goal to drink water before I indulge in anything I know has additives.  not buying fake foods that will tempt me
Exercise

Sleep: still having a hard time falling asleep, but I do start feeling tired at the time I need to go to bed.

Day4
went to dinner last night with Keai cuz he had a gift card. hadn't realized what cheapskates we've become.  luv it  lol.   I did what FMB said to eat a fat rich dinner. omg I wasn't hungry at all after that. made to bed with no extra snacks

FOOD  trying to fast for the morning. we'll see how it goes. cant believe I am still not hungry bcuz of my burger and bacon last night.  morning and afternoon we went to look at cars and I was wide awake.  started using MCT oil and my stomach was going nutz.  right after car searching I had to run home   lol.   bfast was a greenie smoothie w/MCT.    lunch I let myself get too hungry.  we ended up at Little Ceasars and I ate that pizza like no one's business.  of course in that moment I felt good but as soon as I finished my body felt so messed up and tired.  so fast how the starches/sugar affected me.  straightened up for dinner and had kimchi, eggs, salad.

Excercise
Mindset: energy this morning is fantastic! ususally have to have some green tea by now but haven't had to.  will try MCT oil today with a smoothie/drink

Sleep  still same situation. get tired but cant fall asleep.

Day5   sunday
food: had kimchi egg for bfast.  noon green smoothie w/MCT
got on the scale and the way my clothes fit they already feel more lose.  scale shows 6lb weight loss.

Mindset:  so much more aware of what can shoot my body sugars down.  my kids had French toast and I resisted and did my own thing.
Exercise
Sleep  fell asleep really early but couldn't get up.  overslept.  prob bcuz I ate tons of pumpkin pie. 

Day6  MOnday
food:   gave in and had more pumpkin pie but then made my green smoothie and trying to get it down

Mindset:  total stoked because scale shows another lb lost.  my clothes feel a lot looser. going to take my brown pants and sew them down so that they aren't so loose.  great feeling!!

Exercise: keep getting up from desk as much as I can bcuz I have a 10hr work day today

Sleep: same
Day 7
did feel more energized in daytime til about 6pm took a green tea pill.  hard day with food bcuz I started it all wrong with pumpkin pie  ugh. so glad its finished and outta the house.

excited and back on the horse and ready to go again. seeing and feeling results. 

Updates

Vincent came over last week and he's here again this weekend to play with Steven.  Yo stays up late so he is my stay up late buddy.  Today we went to see grandpa for his birthday yesterday and uncle Moses hasn't been doing so good.
Kale has started playing volleyball at the Franklin Covey warehouse. Only me and Steven and Zerin went to see grandpa.  He talked a little bit how he wanted to go on vacation this month but was worried about Mosese.  We took Dad some fish. Watching Ellen not sure how much time we have with our family so we need to  take advantage of the time that we have with them.

We had a suprise bday party for Maya 16th bday. Was so happy for her she she deserves it she's always been a good girl and always helping out more than the usual kids do.

 Steven also finish football and their team took championships this year is really fun and Coach Matt had a banquet.

I am Debt Free!!!!!!!!!

FPU lessons

baby steps (Dave Ramsey)
1 save $1000
2 get out of debt/debt snowball
3 3- 6 months of expenses for fully funded emergency fund  (about 3yrs  avg for steps 1-3)

baby steps 4-6 do at same time
4 15% into retirement
5 college
6 pay off the house   (about 7yrs avg)
7  Build wealth and Give for Financial Peace

Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later   :)

Lessons
1   Super Saver
2 Relating w/money
3 Cash Flow
4 Dumping debt
5 Buyer beware
6 Role of Insurance
7 Retirement and college planning
8 Real Estate and mortgages
9 The Great Misunderstanding  (build wealth and give)

food storage week by week
water
candy
beef jerky
rice
oats

weight watchers

this week started a journey for the new me.  I am so much happier in only 6days. feel lighter. clothes a little better. most of all different way of eating, veggies etc. so glad chose to do this.  I know it wont change my major problems but at least I will be with my kids a little longer and be more confident. little things like wearing a womens watch and fitting into airplane seat are what I look fwd to.
12feb 2016
now 5 weeks into the plan.  lost 9.2lbs!  last 3 days were hard though cuz I let negative thoughts back in.  last night helped tons. keai and I went to gym and he helped me with barbells for chest. felt so powerfull and good.  left with back sweating and feeling them good endorphins.  yay!
Going to be brave and go weigh in today cuz I might have gained 2 or 3 lbs but that's the only way to move forward...keeping going and keep getting up. it was only a little over a pound gained but decided to get back up and track again. i can do this!

Update following week i lost!! 

NSV

been doing WW with Liz for 2 months now....down 13lbs!!  so slow which sucks with how impatient i am so i have to look for non scale victories.  
i can now do treadmill for 35min straight where when i started 10min was a killer on my back.
my back feels so much better from the pains i was getting 3months ago
my hoodies/some shirts come down to my thighs where before i had em just cover my stomach. the shirts i almost tossed at one pt cuz they looked terrible now theyre some of my favorite for working out.
my fitbit started at last 2 holes for clasp and now can go as high as the 5th notch
my puffy grey jacket zipper can meet opposite sides
if i eat something  bad it doesnt taste as good as i remember but i track and move on.
twice i gained weight and kept going to my meetings to see the weight keep coming off now.
i can see a pattern when i do show a gain once a month so i expect and know that success is just around the corner.
Learned a lot about listening to my body and what i need to eat or how much i can excercise so that i can keep it up.
more positive thoughts than negative.
thinking about what i want instead of what i don't want.  the law of attraction.  when i am on the eliptical i watch videos of fit women to encourage me. visualization for the mind and the mind itself is so stronger
I am stronger than i think.
my kids especially my son watches how i eat and starts to eat more healthy.
saving money cuz we dont buy ice cream. we will go out for it maybe once a month but thats about it.
went to Chuck a rama 2 weeks ago and realized i havent ate there in forever. when i was full i left instead of grazing just bc it was there.
helps so much to have Liz go with me and to have the support of other members who understand what i am doing and encourage me.

auntie Peta's funeral

was surprised to hear that my aunt had passed the same night we visited her last week.  all us kids collected money and took it to dad.  it was one of the only times I can think of that he sat down and talked to us as a dad and thanked us as well as telling us that this doesn't ever end in our tongan culture (giving for funerals and big events).  I know he misses his sister and dad.  had so many pass in the past few yrs.
then he said something that was insightful to us. he said dying was not as scarey, because his dad went before him.  the reason this hit me so hard was because when we got to his house (me and Ensign and Lily)  the house was dark. he was next door with uncle Ensign. since my gpa has passed it has been hard to go to his house with him gone.  we all went and sat at dad's house until dad got there.  I noticed that I felt the same. when my dad (or one of my brothers and sisters) isn't at a place that is familiar, it can be scary to go to that place.   not knowing what is ahead is scary but once someone you love is there, you feel free/comfortable to go there.
at auntie Peta's funeral the best talks to me were those from her grandkids and how they missed her. Anthony's 3rd daughter said that her gma taught her that You stand faithful even when times are hard.  his oldest shared how they would plant flowers together. something so special to her.
it was strange to hear them keep saying her name (my name). I thought "what will those I leave say about me?" what did I contribute to their lives and to this life?
I didn't spend a lot of time with my aunt but I know that she was faithful and that she loved her kids, grandkids and husband but especially the Lord.  I remember her telling me at one of our last conversations about how excited she was about some church books talking of the things to come.  Miss my loved ones that have passed.

Keai's little girls

 

 

A Sleepless Night 

 

It was nine o'clock at night. I was just finished saying goodnight to my daughters. My oldest child was 2 years old, Kalesita, named after my mom.  She said, "Dad! Do you know what tomorrow is?" Of course, I did but I just wanted to see her reaction.  I said, "It's my birthday." "Nooo!" she screamed, jumping out of bed and almost falling over her blanket on the floor.  She stood in front of me with a demanding voice. "It's my birthday! Remember?" Kalesita asked. "Of course, I remember. How can I forget? You've been reminding me for the last 2 months?" I smiled at her as she giggled.  I asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said that she wanted caked, ice cream, and a Dora, The Explorer, doll.  She also wanted to ride the train downtown. 

It seemed as if I had barely closed my eyes when my alarm went off.  Before I left for work, I went into my girls' room leaning over and giving them kisses on their foreheads. I whispered, "Happy birthday," to Kalesita. She smiled and thanked me with a tired, soft voice. She held up three fingers, "I am three years old, dad." 

On my way home from work, I stopped by the dollar store and bought some balloons and some other inexpensive toys.  She could destroy them and it wouldn't be a big deal.  I arrived at the apartment and knocked. I was not surprised when Kalesita opened the door.  She seemed as if she'd been waiting for me impatiently.  Her eyes lit up when she saw the balloons.  "Is it for me?" she asked. "Happy birthday!" I replied.  She grabbed the balloons acting as if she had never seen balloons in her life.  She ran around the living room with the bundle in her hand. She gave her younger sister some of her balloons and a toy.  She's that kind of person. She didn't mind sharing with her sister, who was almost 2 at the time.  

Kale, short for Kalesita, is special to me.  She was 8 pounds, 10 ounces and twenty-one inches long as a newborn.  She had full black hair and a smile that would melt your heart.  She knew how to use that smile to avoid getting scolded if she had done something wrong.  She loved to draw and sing along with Elmo.  Like most kids, she loved sweets. 

After singing happy birthday and eating the cake, we were off to the train station.  She was so excited when the train approached. She started to sing and dance and she continued to sing on the train ride. As a parent, this is one of the highlights, to see my children happy. Everything was great.  We had a good time and made memories that would last forever. When we went home the girls fell asleep in the car.  I would have to carry them up the stairs to our apartment. My wife made a bed on the floor for them as they liked to sleep in our room. We so tired from our adventure that we went to sleep early. It was probably only nine thirty. 

My wife awoke to a strange sound.  I thought I was dreaming. She heard the sound again.  She started to look around to find the source.  It sounded like someone blowing bubbles in a glass of water. It came from where Kale was sleeping.  She flipped on the light switch.   Kale was laying face down on her pillow. Her face was buried in her own vomit. My heart dropped when I saw her struggling to breath. She then started to have a seizure. My wife yelled to awaken me.   While she was on the phone, I flipped Kale onto her back to try and open her mouth so that she could breathe.  Her jaws locked up so tight that I couldn’t get it open. Her eyes rolled back into her head. I could only see the whites of her eyes.  Her face was turning purple from the lack of oxygen.  Now I was panicking but trying not to show it. I kept telling myself that I had to do something. I tapped her cheeks, calling her name, and continued to try to open her mouth. 

"They're on their way!" my wife yelled. I could hear the sirens. Within a couple of seconds I heard footsteps running up the stairs.  We stood by the door already opened, awaiting them.  The paramedic asked what had happened as I led him to the room. He was trying to feel for her pulse.  A minute later, a few guys from the West Jordan Fire Department arrived.  A couple more paramedics came in with equipment to work on Kale. I asked if she would be okay but they didn’t answer.  They put an I.V. into her arm, an oxygen mask over her little face, and rushed her on to the bed they brought. They took her down to the ambulance.  I asked if I could ride with her and then jumped into the back of the ambulance. 

We arrived at the Jordan Valley Hospital. The doctor and nurses greeted us at the door. They put her on another a bed. At this time, she had a fever of 103 degrees. The doctor ordered the nurse to give her medication to try to bring her fever down. 

After a few hours at the hospital, Kale finally was out of danger. Her fever went down. She started to talk and smile again. She told the nurse, "Today is my birthday. I am three years old." The nurses brought her a cupcake and a teddy bear. They sang happy birthday to her.  By this time it was eight in the morning. It was a sleepless night for us, but I am glad that Kalesita is back to herself again. 

 

keais writing

My husband doesn't write much but now that he's in a writing class, he doesn't have much of a choice.  he wrote this and this is the most I have ever seen him write so I thought I would put it in here so that my kids would have access to it  :)


THIS IS MY LIFE
Hi, my name is Hakeai' I Honolulu Tatafu. I was born to a poor, but loving family at Vaiola Hospital. I am from a small island in the middle of the Pacific, called Tonga. I am the second oldest of eight children. I have four brothers and three sisters. My parents worked hard to raise the eight of us. My dad had little education. He never finished junior high. He had to drop out at an early age. The only job he could do was fishing and farming. I grew up helping him with the fishing and farming to provide for the family. My mom was a stay at home parent to care for the younger children. Seems like it was just yesterday. At the age of  nine, I would come home from school and change my school uniform. It was the only uniform that I had for school. I would then walk about five miles to where my dad farmed because we didn’t have any form of transportation. I would help him with the hoeing and planting. Many days I would spend the night there and then wake up early to walk home and get ready for school. I would usually leave to school without breakfast, because we didn’t have a lot of extra money. hat little money we did have, my mom would have to use wisely to feed a baby my mom had at the time and the younger children that weren't old enough to attend school yet. At lunchtime, my sister and I would come home from school but there wasn't any food. instead, there would be 20 cloth diapers waiting for us to be hand washed. e didn’t have a laundry machine. My mom would have us wash them before we had to return to school. My older sister and I would split the diapers between us to make it a little easier on us. 
Years passed. My brothers and I were older. Financially, things seemed to get better. We were able to help my dad more with the farming. My dad was finally able to purchase a little car to help out with getting us to different places. I was very appreciative as it was tiring to have to walk to the farm and back daily. There would be food on the table and sometimes we would have breakfast. We were happier. It seemed like there was less yelling at home, because my sisters were able to help my mom with the house chores and cooking. 
October of 1995, I graduated from high school. I could tell my parents were happy. The sacrifices that they had made were paying off. I was held back for one year, but my dad expressed his feelings when he told me that I was now better than him. In his mind, I think he compared my endurance in making it through high school to his quitting school at an early age. It humbles me to know that my dad thought so highly of me. Immediately after graduation, I filled out an application to serve as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  It took 3 months to receive my response that I would serve for two years in the New Zealand Wellington Mission.  If only others could see my heart to know how much joy I felt.  There are no words to describe how happy my parents were. I was excited and yet at the same
time, I was nervous.  It would be the first time that I would leave the comfort of my home, my parents, my family, and my friends.  I would also have to learn a new language.
Arriving in New Zealand was a shock for me.  I spent all nineteen years of my life knowing nothing but my little island.  It was like a dream.   Everything was big.  The roads were so wide, the buildings tall, and so many cars on the road.  I was not used to seeing so many white skinned people around.  I could only understand a few words of what they were saying.  I had to adapt to new food.  I was used to my mom's cooking which would consist of boiled chicken or lamb with some vegetables, such as, taro leaves.  In New Zealand there was such a variety of foods.  Driving up to a window and being able to order food on a speaker was a new experience.  The changes were overwhelming and I began to miss home more and more.  
One of my biggest challenges was having to learn to speak English.  It's hard to describe how nervous I was for my first encounter with an English speaking man.  I didn't know what to say. If he were to talk to me I thought that I probably wouldn't understand.  I thought to myself, "I would rather die than to speak English to anyone."  Happy to say, I did improve and was able to face that fear.  I turned my weakness into a strength.  I spent two years there and returned home with honor in June of 1998.
I was home for about a year when my father had me apply for a visa to go the the United States.  To my surprise, my visa was approved.  It was and still is, very difficult to be approved for a U.S. visa as an unmarried person.  In the fall of 1999, I arrived in the Honolulu, Hawaii International Airport.  Having already been to New Zealand, coming to the U.S. was not as bad as my first experience leaving Tonga.  I lived in Hawaii for a few months when my grandmother, who lived here in Utah, had me come to stay with her.
It was winter of 1999. This was my first time seeing and feeling snow.  Now, I knew what it really meant to be cold because all my life I had been in a tropical climate.  I remember feeling as if my ears would break off and my fingers felt like there were being poked by a million needles.  Despite the cold, I found love here in Utah and it changed everything.  I didn't care how cold it would get, because I had a girlfriend.  
I married my eternal companion in the Salt Lake Temple.  It was the happiest day of my life to know that I would be with someone that I would love forever.  My mom couldn't come to my wedding, but my dad was able to join us and celebrate that special occasion.  Two years later, we welcomed our first new addition to our little family. It was a baby girl.  That same year unfortunately, my father passed.  In 2003, we had our second daughter.  Our third child, a son, was born eight years ago.  
I now work for Jordan Valley Water Conservation District to provide for my family.  I love my job.  I also do landscaping on the side after work and on the weekends.  I love my little family.

Struggle within myself

in 2010 I was in a state where I knew I was meant to do more than take ph calls for airline.  so my husband supported me in going back to school for a nursing degree. we spent thousands of dollars to go through my courses for prerequisites. I was even accepted to their program to start in 2012 but something inside of me was not feeling good about take the plunge. I was looking at the time I spent studying vs spending with my kids who are growing way too fast. why would I study and not spend time with them and then have an airline job where I wouldn't be able to go anywhere.  the time we have here on this earth is so short as well as the time the kids might wanna hang with me that I couldn't do it.  I ended up declining the program as much as I love to learn and go to school. the right thing felt like it was to be with my kids. I remember walking into Ofa and Lua's home with all their kids. they didn't have much but they were no doubt happy because Lua was there.She is such a spectacular mom that I don't have the words to describe her and how her kids are. they've come to my home and cleaned when they were here to see gma.  I cant believe their talents. something I want for my own family.

this past summer me and my kids spent a few days in Honolulu. we didn't have much but we were so excited to say that we were on vacation and were able to fly.  on top of that I am thinking the price of my fare would've been additional to my pay from ua.  :)  sometimes the ideas of the world or what others tell us is so noisy that we cant hear what the Spirit is telling us to do.  as much as it would've been great to be a nurse I am happy where I am at.

Kale leaving for trek

I think I got a glimpse of what a missionary's mom goes through. my kale is now 13 and going on a trek with the Stake.  for a few days now I randomly cry thinking of the hardships she will go through and I can only pray that she will come safely.  we said goodbye to her this morning and I was stuck working while Keai took her to meet everyone. she will have a new family with a ma and pa and new bros and sisters.  I sat by her as she slept yesterday just wanting to be by her before her leaving today. as keai prayed for her I cried again.  I realized I don't tell my kids how much they mean to me.  sometimes I will get down and wish I could leave this life but then I think "but who will help my kids with homework? who will they run to when they have a question that they cant ask dad?"

she even gets a new name. I will miss u my Kale. glad Veni and Zerin are here to keep me company and my nephew Vinn is over to spend time with us as well.

....follow up.  these few days have been hard not having my daughter around but have kept myself busy with my other kids and Vinn.  I went to pick up Kale with what seemed like hundreds of people around me. walked clear around the church with prob 8 big buses unloading. I still didn't see her. I walked back to the car to wait and there she appeared.  could the sun had bore down on her face. I could tell she and everyone else around was tired but glad to be home.  so thankful for Heavenly Father watching over her as well as her Pioneer family that accompanied her the past few days.  at first I thought she hated it, but she did have a good experience and made some new friends.  I wish had had the faith they had to go through something so difficult in order to understand some of the struggles that those that came before us had so that we would be where we are today.

Be still and know that I am God

watching Oprah clips on YouTube and she talked of how when she was young she knew and believed that she was going to do great things.  she was brought up in a school where she was not segregated to believe that she was not as good as someone else who was not black.  she instead was taught that anything is possible with God.  she was taught that if your faith was as a mustard seed that you could move mountains.

some of the things I learned from her

What do you believe about yourself? do you believe that happiness, success, abundance, joy, fulfilment  and love are a part of your birthright?  you will manifest the life that you believe.  No matter what comes your way, do you believe that you will be okay?
Those that are successful are those that can handle that success so that's a fulfillment and not overwhelmed are those that understand their belief. 

Never give up on yourself. never stop believing.  there might be something you aren't good at, BUT  what do you know that you are good at?
 not what others tell you that your purpose is, but what do YOU believe your purpose in life is.

Once you have that belief, don't let go of that belief. 

visualize,  energy, effort, and work towards what you want and believe that you are here for.  there is a purpose to your life. how do you know what it is? 


Listen.  Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

Trials

Last Sunday our family was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. a feeling of inadequacy overwhelmed me.  even though I had the tools I didn't have the Spirit.  everything I have done wrong came up in my mind telling me "you shouldn't participate. you aren't good enough." I prayed so much and stayed up til about 3am preparing the night before. I prayed that even if wasn't feeling adequate that the congregation would be taught by the Spirit. my kids talks were all prepared. even Kale sii who is always more than nervous was able to give her talk with her dad's help in writing it.  Steven read his as if it was a regular thing for us to get up every Sunday. Zerin did great. she wrote her own talk and I imagined her as a missionary.  She's going to be great.  mom even participated. when it was my turn I still felt the same but I delivered my message with a story that kept going through my mind of the prophet Elisha in 2 Kings where the Syrians are after him and the Israelites. the Syrians find out where they are and come up on their camp. early in the morning Elisha's servant goes out and sees all the army surrounding him. he feels no hope knowing their army is small. he asks the prophet Elisha "what should we do?" and the prophet calmly says " Fear not, for there are more with us than they that be with them".  the prophet then prays for his servant to be able to see. when the servant opens his eyes, he sees that they are surrounded by hosts and chariots of fire who are on their side.  my husband then got up and talked about how sometimes we depend on our own knowledge when God has given up prophets to help us.  several told us they enjoyed the program. I am glad the Spirit was there to help them to take in the messages that we shared.
  I got a burst of trying to do better and have went to library to learn more from talks that John Bytheway does for the youth.  I have prayed more in a few days than I have in a year. then we had a big argument. I felt as if this was it. I imagined and started looking for an apt.  I told my husband that he could keep the house and that I wasn't worthy to be a good mom or member of the church.  after about an hour of talking and him opening up to me we finally settled things so that the Spirit could be back in our home and in our hearts.  the whole day I was fed so many negative thoughts and there he was at work studying his lessons for church. I am glad Heavenly Father keeps blessing our family and has helped us to stay together. my husband and my kids are my heart.
Satan continues to try to aim at our families so that we cannot progress. I think he knows how powerful our faith is and how much we can help in building Heavenly Father's kingdom. My prayers have pulled me through with Heavenly Father by my side.

Kaeevan

my cousin/sister Kaeevan passed away.  so sad for my sisters and for Ellen.  she was one of the bravest people I've known with cancer. she wouldn't take pain meds. she just endured it til the end.  she was always the kind that would love to see you mad. she would just laugh harder and louder.  she loved kids. at her funeral her dad talked of how she was always an honest person whether you were angry with her or not. 

we used to sleep over at their house. I remember always feeling intimidated by uncle Mo (her dad). then as she was sick I would go visit and one day I walked in to see him massaging her neck.  I almost cried. this is the side that parents need to show their kids more, including myself.  I will miss you Kaeevan. 

Conflicting thoughts...found this from 2009

my kids and sleep overs

August 16, 2009 

my nieces livia and maya are over once or twice a month and my girlz love it. it’s been a fun summer being able to be home with my girlz and paying attn to them and not to my homewk. went back to schl last year and it all sounded great but i been listening to dr. laura and realizing that I should’ve done the schl thing all b4 kids. that seems obvious but i thought it’d be ok since the girls are now both in schl. i have come to realize though that when they need me for homewk i am usually pushing them to my husband so i can get my homewk done as well. I know, boooo on me. i told my husband a couple of times that it’s a mistake and i’d rather wk my sucky job for life and be able to spend time with my kids and pay more attn to them b4 they dont wanna hang around us anymore. he says i’ve put a lot into schl and he’s supported me lots so i should just stick in there. so i am trying to look at us in the long run and see that becoming a nurse will help us a lot financially. i also think now would be better than waiting for them to be teens b4 i rtn to schl. I can’t believe how much i can love this kids that i would give up everything to spend time with them. my youngest is only 2 yrs old. he doesnt talk a lot but his smile drives away my anger and sadness (when i am in those neg. moods). I want to have another but my last dr. told me it’d be dangerous for me or my future kids since i have had 3 c sections already. and then there’s my hubby. no other like him! he cooks, cleans, loves my family, great dad and is patient with me, oh and of course wks his butt off for us :) He’s my hottie :) 

I'm a runner!!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

I’m a Runner!!

All the time I would joke “yes, on my morning jog.”  others would laugh with me…or I guess that would be an “At me.”  Today, I decided that I am going to be a runner. I have been going for endurance on the bike and elliptical and can do an hr on each or both on some days. it’s time for a new challenge.  I was reading “Katie runs for cookies” http://www.runsforcookies.com/ a blog about weightloss and running. she was heavy too and has lost over 100 lbs from running.  I might be heavy but I will still train. I want to be able to run my own 5K, not just on elipitcal (where I am starting) but on a treadmill and then eventually to the streets. Today I did 67min. 4miles total!! but listening to a 5K app that I got, I did total of 50min.  my next run is Monday. can wait!  right now a mile takes me a average of 17min.  my goal is to run 3x a week.  I had lost 20lbs for this year, but gained 2 lbs now a 19lb loss. Next Sat noon I will weigh in again.

My kids and I had visited my cousin Kaeevan about a month ago. She has cancer and since then her Dr has told her that they cannot do anything else for her now.  We went to visit her again tonight.  with all she goes through, she is still a fighter…smiling when she’s in pain.  She told me wants to get her endowments before she leaves this life. tmrw she has a temple class.  I want my kids to know how special she and her family are to me, how Lily and I would sleep over there as kids to play with Kaeevan and Ellen.   how we would laugh a lot and teu.  Sitting next to her tonight, I was speechless. all i could do was to try and hold her hand.  she mentioned how she loves a song that Tina, little Leta and Tina's brothers sing called "when someone cares" and how she wants it done at her funeral. i joked with her that I could sing it but I am asking Tina to see if she can teach it to my kids.

grandma's prayers answered

guess who finally got their recommend?! Yay! everytime i planned on going in, my husband would make me so angry. Then sunday night my cousin texted asking me to come tmrw night cuz she gets her endowments. I told myself "k dont worry bout what Keai does, just go into the stake". I also am sked to wk tmrw night. Anyhow i text the stake secretary who does sked for stake and he said that they wont be on tuesday (today). I said a prayer and signed up for auto for my shift. I checkd stAff mangmt to find i got auto! So i tell my husband i am going into the stake n sit there cuz someone is going to show up n i will get my recommend. Get to stake n Deehna pouha asks what i am doing. I tell her that i am there to get my recommend but stake pres isnt supposed to be there. She laughed n looked at me like i was crazy. Lol. So sitting there and other tongan ladies ask if i want to come to their fine ofa activity. I tell them thanks but i am there to see the stake (already been sitting there for about an hour...and my kids say "lets go home no one is coming") then the lady tells me that she just saw the staje open their office! Run over there, had to wait almost 3 hrs but I got it! I could tell my husband was so happy. I am so excited. Its been way too long
1030pm my husband was at the gym and I am calling my sister/best friend Liz Leakehe.  she probably thought that something was wrong that I was calling her so late.  i was only too excited that i finally was holding in my hand my recommend and all the experiences that I went through to get to this point were too exciting for me just to text her.  Liz has been there through a lot of my thick and thins. things i cant tell my sisters/mom cuz i dont want them to judge my husband.  every once in a while we go get Pedi's together or go eat.  every wife really needs a friend to destress with.  going to sleep is always hard for me but tonight especially with the excitement of knowing that we get to go to the temple tmrw.
day of going to temple….
i started off by having to drop by gma's house to give her money and take some cakes to help with a putu.  i was telling her that i got my recommend and she laughs (smiling soooo happy). then she tells me with more happiness that her son (uncle Biu) recvd his recommend as well as a calling.  came home to tell Keai about my visit and then the thought passed "what if gma goes soon cuz now her prayers are answered?" all she talks about when i see her is if we have food stored in case any kind of disaster comes up and that we need to go to the temple.
last night Keai tells me that i would have to go to temple without him cuz he was on call. i said "no. you find someone to cover your shift and we will go. someone will help you"  before noon this morning he texted that Heavenly Father answered that prayer too. so off to the temple we went.  when we arrived we saw Sai, Funaki, Polo'i, aunty Lela, and Muka. still was in disbelieft that i finally made my way back to the Lord's House.  Keai sat next to me when a brother came up and asked us to be the couple that leads the session. my heart was pounding and i was looking at Keai as if to say "please tell him No" but i know better than that and ended up in our reserved seats.  Some days i don't know if my husband knows how much i love him. watching him come in with his handsome face and white clothes was priceless.  we later went into another room and met up with Cass and Kris.  so happy for her and yet was so nervous myself.   lol. came home with a feeling that not much can give my heart….PEACE.  

little sister's bridal shower

had so much fun and it was worth all the work.  Kris asked me to do a couple of games for Cass's shower.  i procrastinated prob because i was nervous but was glad they asked me to help out.  food was great (sandwiches and soups). was able to spend time with family when i normally am so unsociable.  Lousia also helped with the games. we both did a writing game and then isa did a game where they had someone write words with their booty (tahitian moves) then i had a balloon game i got off of FB.  they had to be in 2 lines and leave over while the person from behind had to try and pop a balloon that the girl in front was wearing. was kind of nervous cuz my mom showed up and so did one of our uncles   lol.   it was fun though. then we got to go see Cass's house afterwards…beautiful.  so thankful i was able to share in this special time for her. Cass, Andrea, Sepa and Sariah were our little roomates and also our sisters as we were staying with them when we 1st got married.  nowadays because of my girls' ages we spend more time with Loni and Lexx. luv their family so much.

changes with losing weight

I put on my hubby's shorts cuz i had to run and throw in a load of laundry…they fit!!! i have a a watch from Lita for over 2  yrs but never wore it cuz it didn't fit…it fits!!! i swear i saw my collar bone in my reflection at gym today. i like looking in the gym mirror more and more.
last night i was working downstairs. came upstairs to find my hubby in front of youtube watching these boyish looking body models. i was furious. i went back downstairs cussing.  he kept coming to lean on me. i kept telling him to go away.  once i was done (1230 am) i went to bed and he was still awake.  he said something was wrong but i wasnt sure what was next. for the 1st time he said that he was worried that i was going to leave. usually after our arguments he will just go to sleep but tonight he said he wasnt sure why he was feeling so worried when all he wanted was for me to be happier and to be able to lose weight (i have lost 22lbs so far this year by clean eating).  i couldnt believe what i was hearing. he said he could tell i am feeling more confident.  i did feel like that today but didnt know that it made that much of a difference in the way i carry myself.  this guy doesnt know how much i love him and that sort of thing doesnt cross my mind like it did when i was more immature.
we went to gym tonight and i couldnt believe how much energy i had. i did an hour on elliptical (4miles) and still had more energy. we took keai home cuz he has to wk in the morning and i went back and did more cardio til they closed at midnight. clean eating has helped me so much.  i have been able to eat at least 4 cucumbers in past week as well as 3 zucchinis, 3 tomatoes, and 3 heads of lettuce.  i am impressing myself and building my belief and love for myself in a way that i could never have imagined.
i have been trying to get my temple recommend and have a testimony that when you are trying to do the Lord's work, that obstacles will come your way.  the past 2 weeks something always comes up. my cousin is getting married this week and texted me to come on the night that she gets her endowments and here i am dying to go just because she asked me but i still havent been able to meet w/the stake to sign my recommend.  i am going to stake tmrw night out of faith that Heavenly Father will make things happen so that i can go with her.
the kids started school today. Kale had her 1st day of jr high and was nervous as i have ever seen her but she made it through her day and she says it isnt too bad. glad she had a good experience.  zerin's a 6th grader (so oldest grade in her school). veni keeps asking me who will be with him when his sisters leave elementary.  i try not to show my worried side cuz i know they feel it when i do.  time really does fly by. already been married for 14yrs and now have a little young woman.  a lot to be grateful for.